Emails That Consume My Time #1

I routinely get emails of a "please teach me" nature. A recent one inspired me to this short play with 98% accuracy for all the meta-language involved in this general email exchange. This is it.

Actors:

       New guy (superficially technical):

       Old guy (technical by training because somebody has to actually DO things):

New guy email:

“Hi Old-Guy,

“Someone gave me your name, because they thought it’d be funny if I pestered you instead of them.”

“I have nothing to do but stand around and ask questions. Can you tell me everything you know so I can talk in these meetings and pretend of be of value? Hopefully this job is a just a stepping stone, so I’ll only be bugging you as often as I feel like it--till I get promoted.”

Old guy reply:

“Hi New-Guy,

“Sure. I have a degree in Computer Science and been studying everything I presently know the last 15 years, besides doing this job for the last 5. I can probably tell you enough to know where you’ll look intelligent in your meetings within an email or two. I assume you also are a computer scientist with my same background.”

Here is the technical documentation I put together years ago. It’s pretty obtuse, outdated, and intended to spin your head around with just enough missing data, that perchance you really did study it through you still wouldn’t have a clue.”

<1 GB word doc attached>

New guy: (next day)

“Hi Old-Guy,

“Thanks for that great documentation. I’ve read through it and think I pretty much understand it all.

“Attached is a request from my boss to pull some unheard-of-before datasets and format them into something simple enough for a monkey to understand in a PowerPoint. Would you mind pulling that together real quick… should only take you a minute or two. Appreciate it very much.”

“Also, would you mind being my secret lackey buddy, so whenever my boss asks me something I can get you to do it and make it look like I did it.”

<1 kb email attached>

Old guy: (while tying a rope around his neck)

“Hi New-Guy,

“Sure. Let me know whenever I can bury myself deeper into the pit of despair while advancing your career. It makes me feel better about my lack of appreciation and low pay.”

New guy:

"Hi Old-Guy,

"What it the ETA on that data report you are putting together for me?"

Old guy:

"Argggghhhhh..... <gag> .. <cough><cough>..... ...."